Where Are You?

I have a staff meeting every Monday with my RA's. We usually meet in a conference room and mostly talk about business. But tonight, Joel (the RD and my boss) had the idea to do something different. We held the meeting in his home and we ate desserts, chilled, talked very little business, and we all journaled together. In the spirit of Genesis 3, we all answered the question, "Where are you?"

After Adam has eaten the fruit and become aware of his nakedness, he hides. And the Lord goes looking for him. "Where are you?" He calls out. It's not because God didn't know where Adam was. It was more like he was asking, "Adam, do you know where you are?"

Oftentimes, we get busy, distracted, embarrassed, fearful, and we hide from ourselves. We avoid the situation. We forget where we are at. So, tonight, we as a staff wanted to take the opportunity to answer this question truthfully, openly, and vulnerably. "Where are you?"

Here is what I wrote down:

I am selfish. I am resentful. I am trying to do it alone. I stay busy. I distract myself. And I spend so much energy on covering up my brokenness that I do not have any energy left to begin to heal it, or even sink into it. If I ignore it, maybe it will go away. But inevitably it bubbles up, it overflows, and then it overwhelms me. I am so deeply sad about having to leave Vanguard, leave my family that I have blamed God, rather than turn to him in my despair, as if he cannot possibly understand or handle my sadness, my doubt, my anger. So, I am trying to change. I am trying to take comfort in him rather than sort it out myself. I've been trying this for 6 days. And I am not sure I have made any progress yet.

As I was the one leading the meeting tonight, I felt it appropriate that I share where I am at first, sort of to set the tone of vulnerability and create a safe space for the rest of my staff to be vulnerable. So, I did something bold, something frightening. I read what I wrote aloud to my RA's. I held back tears as I read it. But I didn't fool them. As soon as I was done, they asked if they could pray for me. And they did. And I cried. And... It was ok. It was ok not to be perfect. It was ok to admit that I do not have it all together. It was ok to present to them where I am really at.

It was a really hard thing for me to do. I don't like being broken, but more than that, I hate appearing broken. I spend a lot of energy on appearing to have it all together. In front of people, I smile. I laugh off hardship. I mask my pain. I swallow deeply and stuff the emotions. I don't like making people uncomfortable. But mostly, I don't like being uncomfortable. But tonight, it was ok. It was a safe place. In the future, I hope to seek out safe places like the one I found tonight amongst my staff.

So, I have one question for you... Where are you?