I Know

"To write well, you have to write what you know." I don't know who first said this - someone brilliant probably. But I first heard it from the movie Never Been Kissed. Deep, I know... In the midst of this journey I am on to write, I would love to be able to write well. So, I think writing "what I know" is good advice.

What do I know?

... I know that there is a constant battle over which will rule my life - my heart or my head.

I know that I have the ability to think deeply.

In the last year, I have also learned that I know how to love deeply.

I know that loving deeply makes me more likely to get hurt more deeply.

I know that this terrfies me.

... I know that my sister almost died of a massive brain tumor last year.

I know that this has caused me to experience sheer terror at the thought of losing her, or anyone.

I also know that this has also caused me to experienced true joy in her miraculous healing and in spending the last year growing closer to her.

... I know that I desire to please God.

I know that I try to earn His love most of the time, rather than accept his grace.

I know that I feel intense guilt when I fail to be perfect.

... I know that for the first time in 3 years, my job brings me joy and fulfillment.

I also know that I have to give it up in one month.

I know that I am doing this because I love my husband and my marriage comes first.

I know that God will honor this sacrifice, but I know that it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

... I know that I love my one year-old nephew.

I know that, to me, he is the cutest kid in the world.

I know that I am actually afraid that my own kids won't be as cute, or that I will love them as much.

... I know that I do not mind being alone.

I know that sometimes I need it, even crave it.

... I know it is easier for me to hide from things that are hard.

But I know that if I face them, tackle them, the reward is often greater.

... I know that I don't like the volume on my TV to be on an odd number.

I know that I don't like my food to touch.

I know that when I shower, I have a routine that I follow and if I deviate it freaks me out a little bit.

...I know that I don't like wearing sunglasses with brown lenses - I prefer black.

I know that, in spite of this, the pair of sunglasses I currently wear have brown lenses.

I know that I wear them because my own sunglasses broke and the only backups I have are an old pair of Chris'.

I know that I wear them everyday because they remind me of him.

... I know a few things.

But, sometimes, I feel as if I know nothing at all.