Sometimes - a lot of the time - I feel I lack creativity. I'm a details person. I'm an executer and a doer. I'm not a big dreamer or idea man (or woman, whatever). That's why I so admire people who are. Over half of the blogs I follow are super unique and creative and special, and they inspire me. It's people I know doing something they love and it's so artsy and passionate, and it all just makes me happy. Here are just a few of these amazing blogs:
31bits.com/blog
shannonleith.com
layceelemons.blogspot.com
fashionablybored.blogspot.com
So, if you're ever feeling uninspired or lackluster, visit these blogs, or search for your own. I'm sure that a lot of people you know and love are super creative and inspiring too.
Mosquitos suck. Yes, literally, but also figuratively. Every single day I get bitten at least once by these little annoying, blood-sucking pests. Normally, not such a big deal. But ever since I was a kid, growing up summers in Minnesota, my mosquito bites get huge. And I mean HUGE. Another downside of being surrounded by mosquitos, other than the horrible swelling and itching? Public humiliation. Inevitably, you end up looking like a crazy person swatting at the air to try to kill all mosquitos getting ready to dive-bomb.
Now, I haven't seen a mosquito for like five years, so I am out of practice. But South Texas is swarming with them. The worst bites I've had so far? On my cheek, behind my knee, and on my foot. The face one is just unsightly, the other two itched LIKE CRAZY! Suddenly, those commercials advertising the personal OFF! fan that you clip onto your belt doesn't seem so silly. I am seriously considering it.
P.S. In non-mosquito-related news, I had a mole biopsied a couple weeks ago and I am finding out the results this Thursday. Please pray for a good outcome!
So every few weeks - or rather, months - I come crawling back to you... Tail between my legs, sad puppy eyes and all... I promised to write you. I promised to do it frequently and fervently. As a result, I have realized that I am either a) lazy, or b) overambitious. I can't decide between the two. I'll leave it to you to decide.
Since we last spoke, the world has kept on spinning, as I knew it would. The first few days back in Texas after being in California were difficult and heartbreaking all over again. But the world didn't end. Chris and I returned to work. Our routine resumed. Time passed... We've gotten slightly more comfortable here, only because time kept passing and because we just kept trudging on. We've visited a few more churches, but haven't settled on one that we love yet. We've both excelled professionally, but simultaneously became frustrated with how things are done here in this foreign land. We never stop missing home. It is like a constant dull ache in our hearts, a forever reminder that we have people we love far away, and we count down until we can see them again - which, by the way, is in only two weeks!!!
I've been reading a lot. Like ridiculously. I think since we last spoke, I've read at least four books. Now, they were not by any means great feats of literature. Rather, they are mindless, fun, or thrilling fiction novels that I can escape to at the end of the day. Incidentally, two of them ended with someone either dying of cancer or a brain tumor. Real nice, right? Jump right into my nightmare, the water is warm... If you have any brain tumor-free book recommendations, please let me know!
Also, about three weeks ago, Chris and I made a conscious decision to get in shape. We started counting our calories and we bought passes to our school's gym, which happens to be only 100 yards from our apartment. We've worked out almost every day since - sometimes twice! I've never really been a gym junkie before, so learning to lift weights and how to work certain muscle groups has been a little interesting. I actually sort of enjoy it. I do at least 30 minutes of cardio each day, which is usually achieved thru about 2 miles on an elyptical machine, and then lift weights for my upper body or lower body, including abs each day. The results have been slower than I would like, but at least I feel better about myself. It harder to eat healthy too, mostly because you just discover how poorly you used to eat before. It has made me wish beyond wishing that I was raised a healthy eater. Sadly, the things I crave are just about the most terrible things for you: potato chips, fries, popcorn, etc. I'm a salty snacker. But I can't eat those things anymore. I've substituted them for more healthy things, and I've learned some great tips from my sister, the Weight Watcher's queen, about good little snacks to fill your appetite between meals.
I have another cool update for you, but it's not really about me... My sister, Jaime, got an MRI for the remaining thumbnail of a tumor left in her brain, which she's done almost every six months since November 2008 to see if it's grown at all. And all is clear! Absolutely no growth at all! Praise God! We actually had an inkling that this was going to be the verdict a few days before because the radiologist gave her his analysis of her scans. But we always wait for her neurosurgeon, Dr. Martin's, final say. Dr. Martin is the be-all, end-all authority in all things Jaime's brain. Dr. Martin graduates. And Dr. Martin cleared Jaime for another year! And Josh sent out a mass text. And I cried... I cry every year. And I will continue to. I will never stop thanking my God for the miracle He did in Jaime.
Well, that's the best I can give you for now. I'll let you know if I think of anything else... Life is pretty average right now. But, nonetheless, life is still being lived. I'm trying to enjoy it more. It sounds weird, but working out has created a new kind of energy in me, and I actually feel very good about myself, regardless of how slowly I see it in the mirror. So, ciao for now. I'll try to be more consistent with my blogging. Really, I will. Even amidst all this averageness.
>>>>>>> What I'd give if I could find a way to stay
>>>>>> Lost in this moment now
>>>>> Ain't worried 'bout tomorrow
>>>> When you're busy
>>> Living
>> In a
> Perfect day
::Lady Antebellum::
I don't really know where to begin. My time in Cali was that amazing. So needed, too. But it wasn't nearly enough time. Before I knew it, I was riding in the car with Jaime, headed back to the airport. And I was heartbroken. She said it so many times while I was there -- it feels so natural, so normal, so right having me there. And it was the same for me. It felt so natural, so normal, so right being in California. Chris feels it too. He got off the plane at LAX, called me, and said, "We belong here."
I wish that I could say returning home to Edinburg, TX put my doubts and worries and sorrows to rest, but it didn't. Returning back to Edinburg was the most unsettling thing I have done in a long time. I don't feel like we belong here. This isn't home. Where did it go? Where did that sense of peace and acceptance I had for this place go? When will I get it back? Will I ever feel at home anywhere but at my sister's house, holding my nephew, sitting on the couch next to her?
Lord, you have some more work to do in me. I still have doubts and questions and it still hurts.I trust you. I believe you know what you're doing. I just wish I knew what it was.
In 24 hours, I will be sitting in the airport, impatiently waiting for the flight attendants to let me board my flight to Houston.
In 25 hours, I will be in the air over South Texas.
In 26 hours, I will be in Houston, grabbing a quick dinner from Panda Express before boarding my flight to California.
In 27 hours, I will be on the plane, in line on the runway, waiting to take off for California.
In 28 hours, I will be engrossed in my new book Columbine by Dave Cullen, or at least pretending to be engrossed so that time will pass quicker.
In 29 hours, I will give up on reading my book and just start twitching in my seat, biting down my fingernails to the nubs.
In 30 hours, I will be landing in California. I will be body-checking people who take too long in the aisle. I will be rushing to the pick-up curb so that I can FINALLY see my best friend, my hero, my sister.
When I left California, I made a plan to return for Easter. It made the leaving a small fraction easier, knowing I would return. Someone told me that no matter how far away the date, having a goal in mind helps with the waiting. And, you know what, it actually has!... Until now.
There are seven days left. I started planning this trip in December. I committed to this trip in January. Airline tickets were officially purchased in February... So far, I have endured 81 days of waiting. As you can tell from my last post, I've been busy, so these last 81 days have actually passed pretty quickly. But now that there are only seven left, each day creeps by at a snail's pace. THEY ARE THE LONGEST DAYS EVER. I am afraid I will implode from excitement and sheer anticipation. I am completing my work faster, hoping it will make time pass more quickly (it doesn't); I am sleeping horribly, hoping a large amount of time has elapsed since the last time I rolled over and looked at the clock (it usually hasn't); time can, literally, not pass quickly enough!
As a result, I have come to the conclusion that I need to calm down. I need to chill. Take a bath, read a book - just chill. Otherwise, I may collapse before April 1 actual arrives, thus preventing me from traveling at all... So, I'm going to try.
I'm sorry I haven't written to you lately. I know that I promised to, and the fact that I've failed has provided me with no small amount of guilt, I assure you. I don't have a great excuse either; in fact, the only one I have is pretty lousy. Here it is... I've been avoiding you.
Let me unpack that a little bit for you... Why have I been avoiding you? Why have I gone back into my shell? I grew tired of all the sadness I was experiencing. I so deeply missed my family and my job at Vanguard that it overwhelmed me on a pretty consistent basis. Every time I would write, I would get sad. And when I would re-read (as the anal, OCD side of me likes to do) I would get sad all over again. And I was just tired of wallowing in it. So I stopped writing.
Do I still get sad? Sometimes. I just have less time to think about it! I think there is a difference from that and repression, if only a small one... But my plate is full now. I have a full time, live-in job that occupies most of my energy and the small remainder is spent relaxing with Chris. BUT.It's no excuse for retreating from our verbal give and take that I once found incredibly helpful and fulfilling, and I sincerely apologize.
So, here I am, writing to you finally, two months after my last entry. A lot has happened.
In January, I received the opportunity to take the next step and continue in my career in University Residence Life here in Texas. And what a step it has been! I am now solely responsible for an entire dorm of 370 undergrads, run a co-ed RA staff of 12 and also an additional 14 office assistants, as well as spend at least 24 hours a week on-call in case of emergencies.A lot has happened.My life has changed significantly.Chris is also busier than ever with tennis.While he was out of a job, and then when we were in two separate states for those many weeks, I forgot what it was like - the hours it takes, the stress it puts him under, the frustration it can cause… I worry about him sometimes.Chris is an excellent coach with high expectations and even higher ambitions.Being an NCAA Div I coach has been as much a joy as a challenge, and he has had to work hard and will continue to have to work even harder to get where he wants to.But I have faith in him.That’s the job of the coach’s wife, as I have learned it to be.
In February, Chris and I started to sink into a routine.Slowly, the drama of moving and all the transition started to settle.Life began to feel almost normal… Wouldn’t you know it—it was at this time that I had my first migraine, which produced some drama.Before my migraine hit one Tuesday evening, I experienced numbness throughout my body that started in my toes, traveled to my fingertips, then to my mouth, limiting my speech.Chris took me to the hospital.When we got there, it almost felt as if the numbness had spread to my brain because I was having a hard time comprehending things, almost as if my brain was working more slowly.The numbness faded pretty quickly after we arrived at the ER, but that is when the mind-numbing headache set in.The rest is pretty fuzzy to me. But, after several hours of sleeping and moaning in the ER—which sufficiently freaked out Chris and, by extension, my entire family—I was released without much of an explanation.Since then, I have acquired an neurologist, had a CT, MRI, EEG, vials and vials of blood drawn and tested, and after all the poking and prodding, the conclusion she came to is… MIGRAINES. This is a very non-dramatic diagnosis for everything that I went through, but I’m not complaining.
To be perfectly honest, ever since Jaime’s brain tumor a year and a half ago, and since my grandpa died of brain cancer last year, I’ve wondered if I should get a CT or an MRI to check my brain too. But my scans were clear, and at least now I know.
In exactly nine days, I get to go home for a few days!I don’t know that California will ever stop being home... It’s interesting to gauge people’s reactions when I tell them I’m from California.Usually it’s a mixture of wonder, suspicion, glamour, and amazement.To me, California means none of these things… To me, California means Jaime. It means Cole. It means Josh. It means Mom. It means Rick and Kay and Matthew. It means Rick and Mary and Aaron.It means Staci. It means Cathi and Courtney and Laycee and Steph.It means Bill.It means Jessie and Ty and Taylor and Christine…And many more… To me, California means the dozens of people in my life whom I love so dearly and whose rich company I miss so much.I cannot wait to go home, not for the beach or the sunshine or the food (though that may be second), but… For you.I cannot wait to see you in nine days.
If you get the chance, I recommend that you wander over to Lady Antebellum's myspace page and listen to a song called "Hello World" off their new album, which is out on Tuesday and which you should also buy.Every song off their new album, which are also available on this site, is worth a listen as well.
But this song literally brought me to tears tonight and made me raise my hands to the heavens... The parts the spoke to me the most are the second verse, the chorus, and the very end - I have no idea what the specific name for this section of music is (second bridge?? I don't know, I'm not musical).
I wrote down the lyrics, but you really do have to hear it to understand the power and to be taken over yourself. But here are the very last lines to the song, which is followed by a sweet instrumental set:
All the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
Just surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Well hello world
Hello world
Hello world
Sometimes, I forget why I'm here. The Lord really is trying to bring me to my knees. I do need to just surrender and believe. I can't ignore the world around me, ignore my feelings, ignore God... I need to sink in, spend some time on my knees, and dig in.
Last night, I was invited to go to dinner with Chris' boss and his wife. Normally, there would be no hesitation. This time there was. Why? Because Chris himself would not be there. He is still in Florida, recruiting tennis players for his team. Truthfully, Chris being gone the last three days has sort of sucked, and I am more aware than ever of the need for us to make friends, and quickly. So, I accepted the invitation.
It went really well. There was another couple at dinner, so that lightened the load a bit. And the boss, who is also named Chris, is a nice guy, as is his wife, and they have a new baby... Now, most of you know me. You know that I am not really a baby person. I think they're cute, I think they're funny, but let's just say that my uterus doesn't skip a beat when I'm around them. But you also know that I love my nephew. I think he is the greatest kid in the world. And he has taught me a lot about love -- because I love him WAY more than I ever knew was possible. In fact, there have been several posts on this blog dedicated to my nephew (read here, here and here). Well, because of Cole, I can now hang in there with the best of them when talk turns to babies and the funny/annoying/amazing things they do, which it often does around new moms.
Last night, while the men were in the other room watching football, us women were in the living room talking while the boss' wife is trying to breastfeed her 10 week-old. And most of the conversation was about babies. Like I said, I can hang in there now and contribute to the conversation with the best of them -- though I do feel a little pathetic after a while, starting each sentence with "my nephew" or "my sister," but that is the only hands-on experience I have to speak of. Somehow, the baby conversation turns into a birthing conversation. I discover that both women in the room had a c-section -- one was even an emergency c-section, like Jaime's. Talk turns to surgery, hospitals, nurses, etc. Now that's something that I have personal experience with... But I had no words.
I just kept thinking, "They have no idea. They have no idea what I've been through, what my family has been through, what my sister has been through. They have no idea..." And I am discouraged. Cole's traumatic birth and Jaime's even more traumatic brain surgery have taken such a toll on me, and changed my life, and have become such a big part of my story. It wasn't that long ago. I don't know how to tell it to someone new. What's worse, I don't know if they care to hear it.
We need friends out here, of this I am keenly aware. We need people to support us, do life with us, lift us up in prayer. But making friends isn't like it was in elementary school. You can't just walk up to them and ask if they would like to be friends. This is going to be harder than I thought.
P.S. I know I was supposed to use this post to tell you about Christmas, and I will, but this was what was really on my heart.
I had three days in my new home before Chris and I were headed North for the holidays. It was filled with highs and lows, excitement and sadness.
The Low Point The day Jaime left was actually a lot harder for me than I expected it to be. Well, actually, the day wasn't so bad... I'll explain... After the airport debaucle, I caught up on some sleep and Chris and I spent the day watching several episodes of The West Wing. That evening, we made an appearance at the women's basketball game at his school before going out to dinner to find some place to watch the Cowboy game since we don't get the NFL Network at home. We went to four different places before we found a restaurant that showed the game, wasn't too crowded, and could actually give us a table...
Then, sitting there at dinner, it hits me - I miss Jaime. I miss her so much it's hard to breathe. I try not to start crying because we're in a crowded place, but I tell Chris that I'm having a hard time without her being there and I can't hold the tears back. The day before, when I was exploring the mall and the town with her, this place seemed all right. It seemed ok. It seemed bearable. But then, she's gone, and this place is foreign and weird and new, and I don't know how to live in it without her. I don't say any of this out loud. I just sit there lamely, trying desperately to stop crying, trying to open my closed throat so air can pass through it. And Chris is just staring pathetically at this sad person in front of him, probably wondering how to help or how to make this all better for me.
That was the low point.
The High Point The next day was better. Christmas was just around the corner. Chris and I really love Christmas. We spent the remaining 2 days shopping for family members, sneaking off and shopping for one another, and wrapping Christmas presents. I usually don't really enjoy wrapping. It has taken a lot of years to actually hone my wrapping skills, but now I feel like I am fairly accomplished at it. I even sent Chris out to watch football the night before we left for the holidays so I could wrap presents and blast some Christmas tunes. I think one of the reasons we looked forward to this particular holiday season so much is because we would get to see our family, including Jaime, again in just a few short days.
I still have a lot of town to explore, but it gets easier as the days pass. Once I get a job too, I think that my purpose here will increase beyond that of the faithful and loving wife, which I still love and which comes with its own purpose and sense of fulfillment.
Our holiday plans included driving to Chris' grandparents' farm in Athens, TX for Christmas, then driving from Athens to Dallas on the 27th to spend the remainder of the holidays, including New Years, with my dad's side of the family. I will tell all about that time in the next post. Stay tuned.
The last three weeks have been a blur. Here's the breakdown:
December 15th:
Movers whisked away all of my boxes and furniture in two hours.
Cleaned, packed my car, filled out exit paperwork at VU.
Attended a VU staff Christmas party and said goodbye to my boss and the rest of the RDs and RCs.
Cried all the way to my sister's house.
Dinner with my mom and sister, interrpted by a quick trip to Children's Urgent Care cuz Cole was walking weird, but ended up being fine.
Cried again as I said goodnight to Cole before bed.
Good friend, Staci, stopped by to say goodbye.
Mom broke down as I put her into her car to go home.
Collapsed on Jaime's sofa bed, exhausted.
December 16th:
Jaime and I climbed into my very full car and began our journey eastward.
Switched drivers every couple of hours.
Stopped at 9:00pm and had dinner at Cracker Barrel - a.k.a. heaven - in Las Cruces, NM.
Got back in the car and drove one final hour to our hotel in El Paso, TX.
December 17th:
Woke up at 7:00am and reset alarm for 7:30am.
Grabbed a english muffins and apple juice down in the lobby, checked out, an were on the road again in an hour.
Drove for 14 hours.
Last hour of the trip, tried to find a Sonic right off the highway so we could grab some blended root beer floats, but we were unsuccessful.
Arrived in Edinburg at about 10:00pm. and my husband wrapped me in a big hug as soon as I got out of the car.
Unloaded the car in only 15 minutes.
Chris took us to get the Sonic we had so desperately been craving.
December 18th:
Woke up without an alarm or any place to be or any driving to do = glorious.
Jaime and I checked out the local mall, fought for parking, sweated it out in one of the most crowded malls EVER, and purchased a few Christmas gifts.
Grabbed a late lunch at BJ's (yes, they have a BJ's here. They have everything here).
Chris joined us at BJ's and we played Words With Friends across the table for 2 hours, then ended up breaking down and ordering a pizookie.
Chris took us to the outlet mall for even more shopping.
Jaime found some sweet laceless Converse for Cole, but Chris and I already bought them for him for Christmas, so we had to tell her and ruin the surprise before she bought them.
Grabbed dinner on the way home at Rudy's, a sweet BBQ restaurant in town.
REDBOXed The Ugly Truth.
We don't finish the movie because it's 12:15am and we need to wake up in four hours.
December 19th:
Leave apartment at 4:30am to take Jaime to airport.
Arrive at airport at 5:00am. No sad goodbyes. We're seeing each other again in a week.
Jaime texts me as I am on my way home to tell me her flight may be delayed for 3 hours. I get home and tell Chris.
Yup, flight delayed 3 hours. We go pick her up from the airport.
Stop by a gas station on way home to get donuts and milk.
Jaime doesn't want to go back to sleep. We watch the rest of The Ugly Truth.
Arrive back at the airport at 8:30am.
I go home and collapse.
Jaime's flight is delayed another 50 minutes, she misses her connecton in Dallas, hangs out there for 4 hours, then finally arrives home at 7:00pm - only 8 hours late.
