Block-breaking

A synopsis of the conversations I have had with myself lately:

Mandy, you haven't written anything in a few days.

I know.

How come?

I can't. I have writer's block.

I don't understand. Why can't you write?

I don't really know.

You are a writer! You are supposed to write!

Thanks. I know this.

Okay, okay. No reason to get frustrated. Just trying to keep you accountable, here.

(Sarcastically) Gee, thanks.

All right, I'm not going to talk to you anymore if you take that tone.

Good. Go away. Leave me alone.

Fine! (Door slames, footsteps retreat down the hall)

... As a result of this sad little conversation with myself, I started thinking about why I haven't written, why I am telling myself I can't write.

Here's what I've come up with: I am too smart. No, seriously. I am too smart for my own good. Too critical for my own good. I don't want to write something terrible, so then I just don't write.

This is pretty silly. For one, hardly anyone reads this blog; therefore, no one really cares how bad my writing is. Secondly, if I wait for a brilliant idea to come so I can write it on here it will never come, and I will never write. Thirdly, if I am writing only to impress all of you - yes, all 3 of you - then I am no writer at all.

So, I am putting an end to this writer's block. I am knocking down the wall between my brain and the good ideas. I am breaking down the blocks (blocks = writer's block. Ha! Get it?! Nevermind.) that only build on my insecurities and laziness. I will continue to write!

I knew when I made this commitment to begin writing again, and to continue writing on a consistent basis, I would inevitably encounter some walls, some blocks, some hurdles. It comes with the territory.

So, now, consider block #1 to be broken.

What do you need?

I love college students. I love challenging them. I love giving them the opportunity to look at their own lives and their relationships with God, and examine what's going on. Plus, I'm good at it... Please understand, I am not being cocky or arrogant. But, for the first time in my professional career, I feel like I am good at what I do.

I was a college student myself a few years ago. I've been where they've been. I was mentored, I was loved, I was challenged. And I am who I am today because someone taught me how to grow closer to the Lord, how to ask the important questions, and how to discover who I was created to be. This changed my life. So, now, I want to change lives. I have a lot to teach.

That's why I love my job so much. I get to teach. One avenue thru which I am able to do this is by doing a devotional each week in my staff meeting. Last week, I wrote about the journaling exercise we did in our staff meeting. It was great to get the chance to reflect on where I was at, and I heard largely the same thing from the rest of the staff. We were actually supposed to do two exercises, but the first one took off on legs of its own, as these things should, so we didn't get around to it. This week, our agenda was a little light and, since there was such a good response last week, I thought it would be a good idea to do journal exercise #2.

I started by reading the following passage found in A Guide to Prayer:

"I do need thee, Lord. I need thee now. I know that I can do without many of the things that once I thought were necesities, but without thee I cannot live, and I dare not die.

I needed thee when sorrow came, when shadows were thrown across the threshold of my life, and thou didst not fail me then. I needed thee when sickness laid a clammy hand upon my family, and I cried to thee, and thou didst hear. I needed thee when perplexity brought me to a parting of the ways, and I knew not how to turn. Thou didst not fail me then, but in many ways, big and litte, didst indicate the better way. And though the sun is shining around me today, I know that I need thee even in the sunshine, and shall still need thee tomorrow.

I give thee my gratitude for that constant sense of need that keeps me close to thy side. Help me to keep my hand in thine and my ears open to the wisdom of thy voice.

Speak to me, that I may hear thee giving me courage for hard times and strength for difficult places; giving me determination for challenging tasks. I ask thee no easy way, but just thy grace that is sufficient for every need, so that no matter how hard the way, how challenging the hour, how dark the sky, I may be enabled to overcome.

In thy strength, who has overcome the world, I make this prayer. Amen." ~ From The Prayers of Peter Marshall edited by Catherine Marshall

What do you need? I feel like the church, as a whole, has taught us that prayer is like walking a fine line... You must praise, you must thank, and you can ask for things but be sure not to ask for too much... We are almost conditioned to think that having needs is wrong. But needing things is not complaining. I have legitimate needs. But I have a problem - I don't like needing things from other people, even God. I like being independent. I like being self-sustaining, which is a funny concept because I cannot function without the people I have in my life or without the Lord, who sustains me. But, somehow, I have fooled myself into thinking that I can do it all by myself.

Here is what I wrote and shared with my staff:

I need to remember who You are. I need to remember that You are good, that You know the way I take. I need to remember that if I feel far from You, it is because I have moved. I need to relinquish control. And I need to remember that I didn't really have much control to begin with... I need to trust You. I need to remember my favorite verse: "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works within us" (Eph. 3:20)... I need to know if everything will be ok, and, if it won't, to believe that You are beside me... When I think about all the things I need, I find that it all boils down to: I need thee, Lord. I need thee now.

What do you need?

Anonymous

"If indeed it be necessary, O Lord, to bury the workman that my work may be finished by other hands, help me never to think of myself as indispensable. May I be content to die with my work undone, knowing that my task is to work at the fulfillment of thy purposes, not to work them out." --Anonymous

Why would you not sign your name to something as beautiful as this? It moves me. It speaks to where I am at... My work in the last few months at Vanguard may be finished by other hands. This hurts. It pains me so much to think about it, that I have spent almost four weeks now forcing away the thoughts when they come. In the last week though, I have tried to sink into this pain, to talk about it, to pray it. I have been straining to hear something in response, something to comfort me, to give me hope and encouragement. And this gorgeous passage says all I have been trying to hear... It is my task to work at the fulfillment of God's purposes; it is not my job to work them out. He never promised me forever. He put me here for a short season, to bless me, to grow me, to change me. And it worked. I am changed. I am changed because of a few short months I spent being deliriously happy in my career... I just hope it does not end here.

That word... Anonymous... That is one of my worst fears right now. I am afraid that I will leave this place and become a ghost, a bitter shell of the person I once was, with unfinished business that I cannot bear to leave behind... Tomorrow I will be fine. Tomorrow I will be fresh with the glow of a woman who follows the Lord and supports her husband. But tonight... Tonight, I am afraid. I am afraid I am losing a piece of myself when I leave.

That is what the Lord has called me to though, right? I can only find Him by dying to myself. He didn't say it would be easy. He didn't say that it wouldn't be frightening. He didn't say it wouldn't hurt... But He did say that He'd be with me.

Haircut

I really enjoy getting my hair cut. It is the only form of change that I feel I can adjust to easily. I also really enjoy someone else putting the effort into flat-ironing my incredibly thick head of hair. I love getting my hair washed by a professional too. I can just lie back, rejoice in a scalp massage, and let the smooth water wash over my head... Pure joy.

However, there are a few negative aspects to getting a haircut...

1) The backhanded quasi-compliment. This is what it sounds like: "Oh, you got your hair cut!" ... And that's it! No "it looks good" or "I like it," just a bland and lame recognition that you changed your hair. This causes me to judge everyone else's response. They probably don't really like it. Susie didn't say anything, so this person is probably just being nice.

2) Either the inability to recapture what the stylist did to make your hair look great OR having to go home and restyle your hair because you hate how they finished it. Both of these have happened to me before. The former has happened more than the latter, but mostly because I am super low-maintenance and don't have much skill in hair-styling.

3) The itching. I usually leave the hair salon itching all over - due to the microscopic hair clippings that have fallen onto my neck. For some reason, the stylist thought that loosly clipping the smock around my neck was sufficient enough to protect hair clippings from falling through the cracks. Not the case. During my last haircut, I actually uttered the phrase, "Uhh, I think these hair clippings have grown legs and started to migrate down my shirt." On the way home, I was tempted to pull over into a gas station just so I could stand shirtless underneath a hand dryer in the bathroom.

4) The sinks. While I love the scalp massage and water cascading parts of getting my hair washed at the salon, I hate the sinks they wash your hair in. I think they could be used for some form of torture. These sinks seriously need some severe padding in the spot your neck goes. By the end of the wash, I cannot wait to get up! The day after receiving a haircut (including wash), it feels like I have a bruise at the base of my skull.

But the end result makes it all worth it. Hopefully, after enduring the neck pain and the itching, you get to go home with a fabulous new haircut that you can recreate easily on your own and that you receive nothing but positive and believeable compliments for. I don't know about you, but I'd pay good money for that.

Feedback

In the last three days, since I began writing again, I have received a surprising amount of feedback about my blog - phone calls, e-mails, Facebook comments, and texts. They have all been a great comfort and encouragement to me. It has also made me realize a few things.

1) I don't usually talk about how I feel. As a result, since these last posts have included a lot of emotions, I think I have started to worry some people. I would like to assure you that I'm not depressed or on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I just have feelings. And I'm talking about them now. Thanks for caring about me.

2) I crave your feedback. Please keep giving it to me; it's how I grow. Your words fuel me and give me great confidence and comfort, especially since I am now publicly sharing my life with you. A special shout-out to my father-in-law: You blow me away. Thank you so much for your words of love and encouragement.

3) I got yet another confirmation today that I should be writing... from my hair stylist. No joke. At this point it feels like an affirmation, as I have started writing again. But it is still nice to hear.

Tomorrow I will have more substance for you. Tonight, just... thank you.

I Know

"To write well, you have to write what you know." I don't know who first said this - someone brilliant probably. But I first heard it from the movie Never Been Kissed. Deep, I know... In the midst of this journey I am on to write, I would love to be able to write well. So, I think writing "what I know" is good advice.

What do I know?

... I know that there is a constant battle over which will rule my life - my heart or my head.

I know that I have the ability to think deeply.

In the last year, I have also learned that I know how to love deeply.

I know that loving deeply makes me more likely to get hurt more deeply.

I know that this terrfies me.

... I know that my sister almost died of a massive brain tumor last year.

I know that this has caused me to experience sheer terror at the thought of losing her, or anyone.

I also know that this has also caused me to experienced true joy in her miraculous healing and in spending the last year growing closer to her.

... I know that I desire to please God.

I know that I try to earn His love most of the time, rather than accept his grace.

I know that I feel intense guilt when I fail to be perfect.

... I know that for the first time in 3 years, my job brings me joy and fulfillment.

I also know that I have to give it up in one month.

I know that I am doing this because I love my husband and my marriage comes first.

I know that God will honor this sacrifice, but I know that it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

... I know that I love my one year-old nephew.

I know that, to me, he is the cutest kid in the world.

I know that I am actually afraid that my own kids won't be as cute, or that I will love them as much.

... I know that I do not mind being alone.

I know that sometimes I need it, even crave it.

... I know it is easier for me to hide from things that are hard.

But I know that if I face them, tackle them, the reward is often greater.

... I know that I don't like the volume on my TV to be on an odd number.

I know that I don't like my food to touch.

I know that when I shower, I have a routine that I follow and if I deviate it freaks me out a little bit.

...I know that I don't like wearing sunglasses with brown lenses - I prefer black.

I know that, in spite of this, the pair of sunglasses I currently wear have brown lenses.

I know that I wear them because my own sunglasses broke and the only backups I have are an old pair of Chris'.

I know that I wear them everyday because they remind me of him.

... I know a few things.

But, sometimes, I feel as if I know nothing at all.

Where Are You?

I have a staff meeting every Monday with my RA's. We usually meet in a conference room and mostly talk about business. But tonight, Joel (the RD and my boss) had the idea to do something different. We held the meeting in his home and we ate desserts, chilled, talked very little business, and we all journaled together. In the spirit of Genesis 3, we all answered the question, "Where are you?"

After Adam has eaten the fruit and become aware of his nakedness, he hides. And the Lord goes looking for him. "Where are you?" He calls out. It's not because God didn't know where Adam was. It was more like he was asking, "Adam, do you know where you are?"

Oftentimes, we get busy, distracted, embarrassed, fearful, and we hide from ourselves. We avoid the situation. We forget where we are at. So, tonight, we as a staff wanted to take the opportunity to answer this question truthfully, openly, and vulnerably. "Where are you?"

Here is what I wrote down:

I am selfish. I am resentful. I am trying to do it alone. I stay busy. I distract myself. And I spend so much energy on covering up my brokenness that I do not have any energy left to begin to heal it, or even sink into it. If I ignore it, maybe it will go away. But inevitably it bubbles up, it overflows, and then it overwhelms me. I am so deeply sad about having to leave Vanguard, leave my family that I have blamed God, rather than turn to him in my despair, as if he cannot possibly understand or handle my sadness, my doubt, my anger. So, I am trying to change. I am trying to take comfort in him rather than sort it out myself. I've been trying this for 6 days. And I am not sure I have made any progress yet.

As I was the one leading the meeting tonight, I felt it appropriate that I share where I am at first, sort of to set the tone of vulnerability and create a safe space for the rest of my staff to be vulnerable. So, I did something bold, something frightening. I read what I wrote aloud to my RA's. I held back tears as I read it. But I didn't fool them. As soon as I was done, they asked if they could pray for me. And they did. And I cried. And... It was ok. It was ok not to be perfect. It was ok to admit that I do not have it all together. It was ok to present to them where I am really at.

It was a really hard thing for me to do. I don't like being broken, but more than that, I hate appearing broken. I spend a lot of energy on appearing to have it all together. In front of people, I smile. I laugh off hardship. I mask my pain. I swallow deeply and stuff the emotions. I don't like making people uncomfortable. But mostly, I don't like being uncomfortable. But tonight, it was ok. It was a safe place. In the future, I hope to seek out safe places like the one I found tonight amongst my staff.

So, I have one question for you... Where are you?

Pen to Paper

I have been thinking about writing. I have been thinking about this awhile, as evidenced by this past post. I don't really talk about it. I just think about it a lot. I think to myself, I am funny. I am witty. I have thoughts. For some reason though, it's been really hard for me to write them down.

When I write, I usually prefer putting pen to paper. Writing in my Moleskine with my fountain pen, I feel sophisticated and smart. But that hasn't been working for me lately. So, I've just been sort of stalled for a while. And, I mean for A WHILE.

Last week, I had coffee with an old friend/counselor/mentor/wise man. This man has been known to shock people, friends of mine, with surprisingly accurate truths about themselves that he could not possibly have known except through spiritual listening. He has never shocked me before. Until now. During coffee, in the middle of our conversation in which he was giving me some great advice and wisdom, he suddlenly said, "You need to start writing again."

I nearly fell out of my chair. He doesn't know I write. He doesn't know that I have been thinking about writing lately. No one does. There is no earthly reason why he should know this... No earthly reason... So, I smiled, asked what made him say that. He shrugged, told me it's been coming up as he has been praying for me. So, I told him what I've been thinking about lately. I told him that I have been thinking of taking some classes - maybe pursuing a second Bachelor's degree or a Masters... Then, with his help, I came to the realization that writer's write, they don't take classes about writing. I may benefit from a writer's workshop down the road, but not yet.

I need to start the discipline of writing again. And that's what it may be to me at first. A discipline. Difficult. Frustrating. Annoying. But I believe it will turn into something more. Perhaps even something great. I truly believe this is what I am supposed to do. Write. So, I'm going to start writing. Maybe on this blog. You'll have to wait and see.

I start tomorrow.