Feedback

In the last three days, since I began writing again, I have received a surprising amount of feedback about my blog - phone calls, e-mails, Facebook comments, and texts. They have all been a great comfort and encouragement to me. It has also made me realize a few things.

1) I don't usually talk about how I feel. As a result, since these last posts have included a lot of emotions, I think I have started to worry some people. I would like to assure you that I'm not depressed or on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I just have feelings. And I'm talking about them now. Thanks for caring about me.

2) I crave your feedback. Please keep giving it to me; it's how I grow. Your words fuel me and give me great confidence and comfort, especially since I am now publicly sharing my life with you. A special shout-out to my father-in-law: You blow me away. Thank you so much for your words of love and encouragement.

3) I got yet another confirmation today that I should be writing... from my hair stylist. No joke. At this point it feels like an affirmation, as I have started writing again. But it is still nice to hear.

Tomorrow I will have more substance for you. Tonight, just... thank you.

I Know

"To write well, you have to write what you know." I don't know who first said this - someone brilliant probably. But I first heard it from the movie Never Been Kissed. Deep, I know... In the midst of this journey I am on to write, I would love to be able to write well. So, I think writing "what I know" is good advice.

What do I know?

... I know that there is a constant battle over which will rule my life - my heart or my head.

I know that I have the ability to think deeply.

In the last year, I have also learned that I know how to love deeply.

I know that loving deeply makes me more likely to get hurt more deeply.

I know that this terrfies me.

... I know that my sister almost died of a massive brain tumor last year.

I know that this has caused me to experience sheer terror at the thought of losing her, or anyone.

I also know that this has also caused me to experienced true joy in her miraculous healing and in spending the last year growing closer to her.

... I know that I desire to please God.

I know that I try to earn His love most of the time, rather than accept his grace.

I know that I feel intense guilt when I fail to be perfect.

... I know that for the first time in 3 years, my job brings me joy and fulfillment.

I also know that I have to give it up in one month.

I know that I am doing this because I love my husband and my marriage comes first.

I know that God will honor this sacrifice, but I know that it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

... I know that I love my one year-old nephew.

I know that, to me, he is the cutest kid in the world.

I know that I am actually afraid that my own kids won't be as cute, or that I will love them as much.

... I know that I do not mind being alone.

I know that sometimes I need it, even crave it.

... I know it is easier for me to hide from things that are hard.

But I know that if I face them, tackle them, the reward is often greater.

... I know that I don't like the volume on my TV to be on an odd number.

I know that I don't like my food to touch.

I know that when I shower, I have a routine that I follow and if I deviate it freaks me out a little bit.

...I know that I don't like wearing sunglasses with brown lenses - I prefer black.

I know that, in spite of this, the pair of sunglasses I currently wear have brown lenses.

I know that I wear them because my own sunglasses broke and the only backups I have are an old pair of Chris'.

I know that I wear them everyday because they remind me of him.

... I know a few things.

But, sometimes, I feel as if I know nothing at all.

Where Are You?

I have a staff meeting every Monday with my RA's. We usually meet in a conference room and mostly talk about business. But tonight, Joel (the RD and my boss) had the idea to do something different. We held the meeting in his home and we ate desserts, chilled, talked very little business, and we all journaled together. In the spirit of Genesis 3, we all answered the question, "Where are you?"

After Adam has eaten the fruit and become aware of his nakedness, he hides. And the Lord goes looking for him. "Where are you?" He calls out. It's not because God didn't know where Adam was. It was more like he was asking, "Adam, do you know where you are?"

Oftentimes, we get busy, distracted, embarrassed, fearful, and we hide from ourselves. We avoid the situation. We forget where we are at. So, tonight, we as a staff wanted to take the opportunity to answer this question truthfully, openly, and vulnerably. "Where are you?"

Here is what I wrote down:

I am selfish. I am resentful. I am trying to do it alone. I stay busy. I distract myself. And I spend so much energy on covering up my brokenness that I do not have any energy left to begin to heal it, or even sink into it. If I ignore it, maybe it will go away. But inevitably it bubbles up, it overflows, and then it overwhelms me. I am so deeply sad about having to leave Vanguard, leave my family that I have blamed God, rather than turn to him in my despair, as if he cannot possibly understand or handle my sadness, my doubt, my anger. So, I am trying to change. I am trying to take comfort in him rather than sort it out myself. I've been trying this for 6 days. And I am not sure I have made any progress yet.

As I was the one leading the meeting tonight, I felt it appropriate that I share where I am at first, sort of to set the tone of vulnerability and create a safe space for the rest of my staff to be vulnerable. So, I did something bold, something frightening. I read what I wrote aloud to my RA's. I held back tears as I read it. But I didn't fool them. As soon as I was done, they asked if they could pray for me. And they did. And I cried. And... It was ok. It was ok not to be perfect. It was ok to admit that I do not have it all together. It was ok to present to them where I am really at.

It was a really hard thing for me to do. I don't like being broken, but more than that, I hate appearing broken. I spend a lot of energy on appearing to have it all together. In front of people, I smile. I laugh off hardship. I mask my pain. I swallow deeply and stuff the emotions. I don't like making people uncomfortable. But mostly, I don't like being uncomfortable. But tonight, it was ok. It was a safe place. In the future, I hope to seek out safe places like the one I found tonight amongst my staff.

So, I have one question for you... Where are you?

Pen to Paper

I have been thinking about writing. I have been thinking about this awhile, as evidenced by this past post. I don't really talk about it. I just think about it a lot. I think to myself, I am funny. I am witty. I have thoughts. For some reason though, it's been really hard for me to write them down.

When I write, I usually prefer putting pen to paper. Writing in my Moleskine with my fountain pen, I feel sophisticated and smart. But that hasn't been working for me lately. So, I've just been sort of stalled for a while. And, I mean for A WHILE.

Last week, I had coffee with an old friend/counselor/mentor/wise man. This man has been known to shock people, friends of mine, with surprisingly accurate truths about themselves that he could not possibly have known except through spiritual listening. He has never shocked me before. Until now. During coffee, in the middle of our conversation in which he was giving me some great advice and wisdom, he suddlenly said, "You need to start writing again."

I nearly fell out of my chair. He doesn't know I write. He doesn't know that I have been thinking about writing lately. No one does. There is no earthly reason why he should know this... No earthly reason... So, I smiled, asked what made him say that. He shrugged, told me it's been coming up as he has been praying for me. So, I told him what I've been thinking about lately. I told him that I have been thinking of taking some classes - maybe pursuing a second Bachelor's degree or a Masters... Then, with his help, I came to the realization that writer's write, they don't take classes about writing. I may benefit from a writer's workshop down the road, but not yet.

I need to start the discipline of writing again. And that's what it may be to me at first. A discipline. Difficult. Frustrating. Annoying. But I believe it will turn into something more. Perhaps even something great. I truly believe this is what I am supposed to do. Write. So, I'm going to start writing. Maybe on this blog. You'll have to wait and see.

I start tomorrow.

If you have not heard...

If you have not heard... Chris got a job!!! Hooray! He is now a NCAA Div 1 head tennis coach!

If you have not heard... It's in Texas. University of Texas Pan American, to be exact. The UT university system is exactly like the UC system here - schools spread out over the state, some bigger than others, some better than others. Pan American is one of the little ones.

If you have not heard... Chris loaded up his truck and left this morning. He should be in Texas tomorrow night.

If you have not heard... I will be joining Chris in Texas in December, after the semester ends at Vanguard. We will be apart for 5 weeks and 4 days, until he comes back for Thanksgiving. After that, it will be a little over 2 weeks until I join him in Texas permanently.

If you have not heard... I am a slow processor. Don't ask me how I am feeling about him being gone. I don't really know yet. Ask me in a week.

If you have not heard... It is an exciting, sad, adventuresome, heartbreaking, blessing, and disappointing thing all at once. I rarely feel these emotions seperately. Most of the time, I feel all of these all at once... Example: In my head, I know that moving to Texas is a very good and practical move; in my heart, I am devastated that I have to leave my family and friends. In my heart, I also feel love and support and excitement for my husband's job and fulfillment, and it fulfills me to support him; in my head, I worry about what job I will get and if I will be as good at it or enjoy it as much as the one I currently have.

If you have not heard... Well, now you have.

No Sweeter Name

Last night, while riding in the car with my RA's, one of them started softly singing this song. This particular song means a lot to me. I've actually written about it before on this blog. You can too, here.

Four years ago, I heard this song over and over again, during a summer that changed my life. Before that that summer, I had never heard it. There was a traveling worship band that I encountered three different times that summer, at three different camps, and every week, they would sing this song. There seemed to be a special annointing on this song. It was so powerful. I have searched and searched and have never found a recorded version of this song that even comes close to making me feel the way it did that summer. Apparently, they sang it in chapel yesterday. I really wish I was there. This song is called "No Sweeter Name" and it only has two verses. Really simple lyrics. You can search for it and try to find it, but I promise that you will never find a version as good as the one I heard in the summer of 2005.


No sweeter name than the name of Jesus
No sweeter name have I ever known
No sweeter name than the name of Jesus


You are the life to my heart and my soul
You are the light to the darkness around me
You are the hope to the hopeless, the broken
You are the only truth and the way

Lost

I'm addicted.