Hello World

If you get the chance, I recommend that you wander over to Lady Antebellum's myspace page and listen to a song called "Hello World" off their new album, which is out on Tuesday and which you should also buy. Every song off their new album, which are also available on this site, is worth a listen as well.

But this song literally brought me to tears tonight and made me raise my hands to the heavens... The parts the spoke to me the most are the second verse, the chorus, and the very end - I have no idea what the specific name for this section of music is (second bridge?? I don't know, I'm not musical).

I wrote down the lyrics, but you really do have to hear it to understand the power and to be taken over yourself. But here are the very last lines to the song, which is followed by a sweet instrumental set:

All the empty disappears

I remember why I'm here

Just surrender and believe

I fall down on my knees

Well hello world

Hello world

Hello world

Sometimes, I forget why I'm here. The Lord really is trying to bring me to my knees. I do need to just surrender and believe. I can't ignore the world around me, ignore my feelings, ignore God... I need to sink in, spend some time on my knees, and dig in.

Would you like to join me?

They Have No Idea

Last night, I was invited to go to dinner with Chris' boss and his wife. Normally, there would be no hesitation. This time there was. Why? Because Chris himself would not be there. He is still in Florida, recruiting tennis players for his team. Truthfully, Chris being gone the last three days has sort of sucked, and I am more aware than ever of the need for us to make friends, and quickly. So, I accepted the invitation.

It went really well. There was another couple at dinner, so that lightened the load a bit. And the boss, who is also named Chris, is a nice guy, as is his wife, and they have a new baby... Now, most of you know me. You know that I am not really a baby person. I think they're cute, I think they're funny, but let's just say that my uterus doesn't skip a beat when I'm around them. But you also know that I love my nephew. I think he is the greatest kid in the world. And he has taught me a lot about love -- because I love him WAY more than I ever knew was possible. In fact, there have been several posts on this blog dedicated to my nephew (read here, here and here). Well, because of Cole, I can now hang in there with the best of them when talk turns to babies and the funny/annoying/amazing things they do, which it often does around new moms.

Last night, while the men were in the other room watching football, us women were in the living room talking while the boss' wife is trying to breastfeed her 10 week-old. And most of the conversation was about babies. Like I said, I can hang in there now and contribute to the conversation with the best of them -- though I do feel a little pathetic after a while, starting each sentence with "my nephew" or "my sister," but that is the only hands-on experience I have to speak of. Somehow, the baby conversation turns into a birthing conversation. I discover that both women in the room had a c-section -- one was even an emergency c-section, like Jaime's. Talk turns to surgery, hospitals, nurses, etc. Now that's something that I have personal experience with... But I had no words.

I just kept thinking, "They have no idea. They have no idea what I've been through, what my family has been through, what my sister has been through. They have no idea..." And I am discouraged. Cole's traumatic birth and Jaime's even more traumatic brain surgery have taken such a toll on me, and changed my life, and have become such a big part of my story. It wasn't that long ago. I don't know how to tell it to someone new. What's worse, I don't know if they care to hear it.

We need friends out here, of this I am keenly aware. We need people to support us, do life with us, lift us up in prayer. But making friends isn't like it was in elementary school. You can't just walk up to them and ask if they would like to be friends. This is going to be harder than I thought.

P.S. I know I was supposed to use this post to tell you about Christmas, and I will, but this was what was really on my heart.

I don't know where to begin (cont'd)...

I had three days in my new home before Chris and I were headed North for the holidays. It was filled with highs and lows, excitement and sadness.

The Low Point
The day Jaime left was actually a lot harder for me than I expected it to be. Well, actually, the day wasn't so bad... I'll explain... After the airport debaucle, I caught up on some sleep and Chris and I spent the day watching several episodes of The West Wing. That evening, we made an appearance at the women's basketball game at his school before going out to dinner to find some place to watch the Cowboy game since we don't get the NFL Network at home. We went to four different places before we found a restaurant that showed the game, wasn't too crowded, and could actually give us a table...

Then, sitting there at dinner, it hits me - I miss Jaime. I miss her so much it's hard to breathe. I try not to start crying because we're in a crowded place, but I tell Chris that I'm having a hard time without her being there and I can't hold the tears back. The day before, when I was exploring the mall and the town with her, this place seemed all right. It seemed ok. It seemed bearable. But then, she's gone, and this place is foreign and weird and new, and I don't know how to live in it without her. I don't say any of this out loud. I just sit there lamely, trying desperately to stop crying, trying to open my closed throat so air can pass through it. And Chris is just staring pathetically at this sad person in front of him, probably wondering how to help or how to make this all better for me.

That was the low point.

The High Point
The next day was better. Christmas was just around the corner. Chris and I really love Christmas. We spent the remaining 2 days shopping for family members, sneaking off and shopping for one another, and wrapping Christmas presents. I usually don't really enjoy wrapping. It has taken a lot of years to actually hone my wrapping skills, but now I feel like I am fairly accomplished at it. I even sent Chris out to watch football the night before we left for the holidays so I could wrap presents and blast some Christmas tunes. I think one of the reasons we looked forward to this particular holiday season so much is because we would get to see our family, including Jaime, again in just a few short days.

I still have a lot of town to explore, but it gets easier as the days pass. Once I get a job too, I think that my purpose here will increase beyond that of the faithful and loving wife, which I still love and which comes with its own purpose and sense of fulfillment.

Our holiday plans included driving to Chris' grandparents' farm in Athens, TX for Christmas, then driving from Athens to Dallas on the 27th to spend the remainder of the holidays, including New Years, with my dad's side of the family. I will tell all about that time in the next post. Stay tuned.

I don't know where to begin

I don't know where to begin...

The last three weeks have been a blur. Here's the breakdown:

December 15th:

• Movers whisked away all of my boxes and furniture in two hours.
• Cleaned, packed my car, filled out exit paperwork at VU.
• Attended a VU staff Christmas party and said goodbye to my boss and the rest of the RDs and RCs.
• Cried all the way to my sister's house.
• Dinner with my mom and sister, interrpted by a quick trip to Children's Urgent Care cuz Cole was walking weird, but ended up being fine.
• Cried again as I said goodnight to Cole before bed.
• Good friend, Staci, stopped by to say goodbye.
• Mom broke down as I put her into her car to go home.
• Collapsed on Jaime's sofa bed, exhausted.

December 16th:

• Jaime and I climbed into my very full car and began our journey eastward.
• Switched drivers every couple of hours.
• Stopped at 9:00pm and had dinner at Cracker Barrel - a.k.a. heaven - in Las Cruces, NM.
• Got back in the car and drove one final hour to our hotel in El Paso, TX.

December 17th:

• Woke up at 7:00am and reset alarm for 7:30am.
• Grabbed a english muffins and apple juice down in the lobby, checked out, an were on the road again in an hour.
• Drove for 14 hours.
• Last hour of the trip, tried to find a Sonic right off the highway so we could grab some blended root beer floats, but we were unsuccessful.
• Arrived in Edinburg at about 10:00pm. and my husband wrapped me in a big hug as soon as I got out of the car.
• Unloaded the car in only 15 minutes.
• Chris took us to get the Sonic we had so desperately been craving.

December 18th:

• Woke up without an alarm or any place to be or any driving to do = glorious.
• Jaime and I checked out the local mall, fought for parking, sweated it out in one of the most crowded malls EVER, and purchased a few Christmas gifts.
• Grabbed a late lunch at BJ's (yes, they have a BJ's here. They have everything here).
• Chris joined us at BJ's and we played Words With Friends across the table for 2 hours, then ended up breaking down and ordering a pizookie.
• Chris took us to the outlet mall for even more shopping.
• Jaime found some sweet laceless Converse for Cole, but Chris and I already bought them for him for Christmas, so we had to tell her and ruin the surprise before she bought them.
• Grabbed dinner on the way home at Rudy's, a sweet BBQ restaurant in town.
• REDBOXed The Ugly Truth.
• We don't finish the movie because it's 12:15am and we need to wake up in four hours.

December 19th:

• Leave apartment at 4:30am to take Jaime to airport.
• Arrive at airport at 5:00am. No sad goodbyes. We're seeing each other again in a week.
• Jaime texts me as I am on my way home to tell me her flight may be delayed for 3 hours. I get home and tell Chris.
• Yup, flight delayed 3 hours. We go pick her up from the airport.
• Stop by a gas station on way home to get donuts and milk.
• Jaime doesn't want to go back to sleep. We watch the rest of The Ugly Truth.
• Arrive back at the airport at 8:30am.
• I go home and collapse.
• Jaime's flight is delayed another 50 minutes, she misses her connecton in Dallas, hangs out there for 4 hours, then finally arrives home at 7:00pm - only 8 hours late.
• Chris and I watch The West Wing all day.

To be continued...