This Thanksgiving weekend, while in the midst of thanking the Lord for all the blessings I have in my life, I realized something... It's almost December. Tomorrow is December 1st. I'm leaving in two weeks. And... I am devastated.
I'm having a hard time. Still. I'm still having a hard time...
I'm having a hard time leaving my family... The realization that I only have two weeks left with my nephew makes my chest tighten and my throat close up, and I fight the urge to curl up in the fetal position in the corner. I have gotten to watch him grow up before my eyes for 1 year and 3 months, and he is incredible... And I have to leave my sister, my best friend. While it is comforting that she is road-tripping out to Texas with me and that I will see her for New Years, I have no idea what happens after that. This hurts so much that it's hard to talk about. It's hard to accurately convey this sorrow. It's hard to breathe.
I'm having a hard time leaving my job at Vanguard... For one, Vanguard means so many things to me personally, that getting to come back and actually work there was a dream and a privilege. I felt like I got to give back, in a way, to the institution that poured so much into me. Secondly, I don't kow how to leave a job that has filled my heart and soothed my soul so completely. I will desperately miss my RA's, whom I've gotten to share these last few months with, who've shared their lives with me, trusted me with their stories, and given me the authority to speak into their lives. I'm having a hard time not getting to see them through to the end of the school year, not getting to see how they all end up, not getting to walk with them any farther.
But mostly, and ultimately, I'm having a hard time being apart from Chris... My husband. My partner. My favorite. The love of my life... I don't want to do this anymore - I don't want to live in separate states anymore. I got to have him back home for nine whole days over the holiday. And I did not even realize how much I missed him. I put him on a plane back to Texas this afternoon, and it really sucked... He makes everything worth it. I got to share this with a few people this weekend, and I was honored to be able to do so. I am giving up my entire life in California, but he is worth it. I support him. I love him. I serve him. I honor him. And I believe that this honors God.
And I know that when I get to Texas and am having a hard time with the things I left behind, Chris will be there for me, loving me, serving me, comforting me. And, hopefully, it won't be as hard anymore.
2 comments:
I can't imagine how bittersweet the last 10 days have been. Finally having your husband back, but with the lingering reminder that he'd be leaving again soon, and then ultimately you would follow him. Mando, I'm so, SO proud of you. I admire your courage, your ability to put words and a voice to what you're feeling, and mostly your humility. You are laying down your desires and even your needs to love, serve, and support Chris. The fruit of this act may not come in a visible form, but I know exactly where to look for it. In 10 years when you and Chris have a thriving, loving, honest, sacrificial marriage you can look back at this time and think, THERE! That's where we started this habit. That's where we truly learned what it would mean to live without each other, and where we discovered that there was no sacrifice too big if it meant keeping us together. I know this will be a tough transition, but I also know it will be worth it. Love you Mando.
Wow, Nate... Thanks so much. Your words are a huge encouragement to me.
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