CBU

This last week has been an important one for California Baptist University. It is what is affectionately referred to as "Orientation Week." The husband was busy all week going to a bunch of fun activities and retreats and meet-and-greets, whilst I, recent Graduate Assistant reject, looked on in sadness and in envy.

Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that Chris gets to start a new school year and really get to participate in all the activities that go along with it b/c he was so busy learning to do his new job last year that he didn't get a change to enjoy it all. This is not about that. This has nothing to do with feeling any sort of resentment or envy of him.

This has to do with the pain in my chest, the very real and earnest yearning that has resulted from not being able to participate in this week myself. I started the summer with a fairly vague e-mail which informed me that CBU would not be pursuing my candidacy for the position of a Graduate Assistant (sort of like an Assistant Resident Director) any further. As it slowly dwindled away into nonexistence, I ended the summer knowing my purpose, as far as I had understood it to be, was unfulfilled.

This is excrutiating. I live everyday with the knowledge that I am meant to do something more with my life than take people's hotel reservations. But with that knowledge comes the particular detail that I am not supposed to do it right now. This is, perhaps, the most frustrating thing about my situation. I want to be working with college students, I want to pour into young lives, I want to disciple and be discipled, yet I cannot. It is, apparently, not time.

So, here I remain. Feeling my existence but not living it. The pain in my heart repeats each time I step on campus, each time I look at it, each time I hear about it. I am trying to take comfort in the fact that, though I know this is what I really want to do, there is some step I must take first, some event, something else planned for me before that I happens. I have no control. And, since I believe God is a good god, it should reflect in the attitude I take for where He has placed me in this season. O Lord, give me the patience I need, grace me with piece of mind, grant me what I desire most.