Goodbye

I have a final dinner with my RA's tonight. I don't know how to say goodbye. I have a stack of note cards on my cluttered coffee table, waiting to be written on, waiting to be filled with words of wisdom and advice and thanks. They sit there, as they have for the entire week, staring at me. No one is making me write them. I decided to write them. I wanted to leave each RA something. But I am having trouble. I don't know how to say goodbye.

Yesterday, a friend and counselor told me to just simply say that. To tell them that I don't know how to say goodbye and let them help me do it. He also said that maybe I should say thank you, let it hang there in the air, and let that be enough. This hardly seems enough. I am a woman of words. Oftentimes, I use too many words to tell stories, answer questions, explain things - just ask my husband. I do this because I often worry about being clear and being understood.

Is thank you enough? Is there another way, a better way to communicate my feelings about them, about what this semester has meant to me? I don't know.

The note cards are mocking me now. It's time to shut them up.

Next post, I'll talk to you about saying goodbye to my family. That should be a doosie.

Play On

Look At Me

Unapologize

What Can I Say

These are songs off Carrie Underwood's new album Play On. Have you heard them?

Whenever I hear these songs (which is usually everyday on my way to work) it makes me want to write a story about them. I seriously think about it everytime I hear them. But I am having trouble coming up with a plot or even the personalities of the main characters. Anne Lamott, in her Bird by Bird voice, would tell me to discover the personalities of my main characters. I don't know how to do this, but I think I want to try. Maybe.

I don't know.

I lack courage.

Even if it will only be for my eyes.

Hard Time

This Thanksgiving weekend, while in the midst of thanking the Lord for all the blessings I have in my life, I realized something... It's almost December. Tomorrow is December 1st. I'm leaving in two weeks. And... I am devastated.

I'm having a hard time. Still. I'm still having a hard time...

I'm having a hard time leaving my family... The realization that I only have two weeks left with my nephew makes my chest tighten and my throat close up, and I fight the urge to curl up in the fetal position in the corner. I have gotten to watch him grow up before my eyes for 1 year and 3 months, and he is incredible... And I have to leave my sister, my best friend. While it is comforting that she is road-tripping out to Texas with me and that I will see her for New Years, I have no idea what happens after that. This hurts so much that it's hard to talk about. It's hard to accurately convey this sorrow. It's hard to breathe.

I'm having a hard time leaving my job at Vanguard... For one, Vanguard means so many things to me personally, that getting to come back and actually work there was a dream and a privilege. I felt like I got to give back, in a way, to the institution that poured so much into me. Secondly, I don't kow how to leave a job that has filled my heart and soothed my soul so completely. I will desperately miss my RA's, whom I've gotten to share these last few months with, who've shared their lives with me, trusted me with their stories, and given me the authority to speak into their lives. I'm having a hard time not getting to see them through to the end of the school year, not getting to see how they all end up, not getting to walk with them any farther.

But mostly, and ultimately, I'm having a hard time being apart from Chris... My husband. My partner. My favorite. The love of my life... I don't want to do this anymore - I don't want to live in separate states anymore. I got to have him back home for nine whole days over the holiday. And I did not even realize how much I missed him. I put him on a plane back to Texas this afternoon, and it really sucked... He makes everything worth it. I got to share this with a few people this weekend, and I was honored to be able to do so. I am giving up my entire life in California, but he is worth it. I support him. I love him. I serve him. I honor him. And I believe that this honors God.

And I know that when I get to Texas and am having a hard time with the things I left behind, Chris will be there for me, loving me, serving me, comforting me. And, hopefully, it won't be as hard anymore.

Block-breaking

A synopsis of the conversations I have had with myself lately:

Mandy, you haven't written anything in a few days.

I know.

How come?

I can't. I have writer's block.

I don't understand. Why can't you write?

I don't really know.

You are a writer! You are supposed to write!

Thanks. I know this.

Okay, okay. No reason to get frustrated. Just trying to keep you accountable, here.

(Sarcastically) Gee, thanks.

All right, I'm not going to talk to you anymore if you take that tone.

Good. Go away. Leave me alone.

Fine! (Door slames, footsteps retreat down the hall)

... As a result of this sad little conversation with myself, I started thinking about why I haven't written, why I am telling myself I can't write.

Here's what I've come up with: I am too smart. No, seriously. I am too smart for my own good. Too critical for my own good. I don't want to write something terrible, so then I just don't write.

This is pretty silly. For one, hardly anyone reads this blog; therefore, no one really cares how bad my writing is. Secondly, if I wait for a brilliant idea to come so I can write it on here it will never come, and I will never write. Thirdly, if I am writing only to impress all of you - yes, all 3 of you - then I am no writer at all.

So, I am putting an end to this writer's block. I am knocking down the wall between my brain and the good ideas. I am breaking down the blocks (blocks = writer's block. Ha! Get it?! Nevermind.) that only build on my insecurities and laziness. I will continue to write!

I knew when I made this commitment to begin writing again, and to continue writing on a consistent basis, I would inevitably encounter some walls, some blocks, some hurdles. It comes with the territory.

So, now, consider block #1 to be broken.

What do you need?

I love college students. I love challenging them. I love giving them the opportunity to look at their own lives and their relationships with God, and examine what's going on. Plus, I'm good at it... Please understand, I am not being cocky or arrogant. But, for the first time in my professional career, I feel like I am good at what I do.

I was a college student myself a few years ago. I've been where they've been. I was mentored, I was loved, I was challenged. And I am who I am today because someone taught me how to grow closer to the Lord, how to ask the important questions, and how to discover who I was created to be. This changed my life. So, now, I want to change lives. I have a lot to teach.

That's why I love my job so much. I get to teach. One avenue thru which I am able to do this is by doing a devotional each week in my staff meeting. Last week, I wrote about the journaling exercise we did in our staff meeting. It was great to get the chance to reflect on where I was at, and I heard largely the same thing from the rest of the staff. We were actually supposed to do two exercises, but the first one took off on legs of its own, as these things should, so we didn't get around to it. This week, our agenda was a little light and, since there was such a good response last week, I thought it would be a good idea to do journal exercise #2.

I started by reading the following passage found in A Guide to Prayer:

"I do need thee, Lord. I need thee now. I know that I can do without many of the things that once I thought were necesities, but without thee I cannot live, and I dare not die.

I needed thee when sorrow came, when shadows were thrown across the threshold of my life, and thou didst not fail me then. I needed thee when sickness laid a clammy hand upon my family, and I cried to thee, and thou didst hear. I needed thee when perplexity brought me to a parting of the ways, and I knew not how to turn. Thou didst not fail me then, but in many ways, big and litte, didst indicate the better way. And though the sun is shining around me today, I know that I need thee even in the sunshine, and shall still need thee tomorrow.

I give thee my gratitude for that constant sense of need that keeps me close to thy side. Help me to keep my hand in thine and my ears open to the wisdom of thy voice.

Speak to me, that I may hear thee giving me courage for hard times and strength for difficult places; giving me determination for challenging tasks. I ask thee no easy way, but just thy grace that is sufficient for every need, so that no matter how hard the way, how challenging the hour, how dark the sky, I may be enabled to overcome.

In thy strength, who has overcome the world, I make this prayer. Amen." ~ From The Prayers of Peter Marshall edited by Catherine Marshall

What do you need? I feel like the church, as a whole, has taught us that prayer is like walking a fine line... You must praise, you must thank, and you can ask for things but be sure not to ask for too much... We are almost conditioned to think that having needs is wrong. But needing things is not complaining. I have legitimate needs. But I have a problem - I don't like needing things from other people, even God. I like being independent. I like being self-sustaining, which is a funny concept because I cannot function without the people I have in my life or without the Lord, who sustains me. But, somehow, I have fooled myself into thinking that I can do it all by myself.

Here is what I wrote and shared with my staff:

I need to remember who You are. I need to remember that You are good, that You know the way I take. I need to remember that if I feel far from You, it is because I have moved. I need to relinquish control. And I need to remember that I didn't really have much control to begin with... I need to trust You. I need to remember my favorite verse: "Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works within us" (Eph. 3:20)... I need to know if everything will be ok, and, if it won't, to believe that You are beside me... When I think about all the things I need, I find that it all boils down to: I need thee, Lord. I need thee now.

What do you need?

Anonymous

"If indeed it be necessary, O Lord, to bury the workman that my work may be finished by other hands, help me never to think of myself as indispensable. May I be content to die with my work undone, knowing that my task is to work at the fulfillment of thy purposes, not to work them out." --Anonymous

Why would you not sign your name to something as beautiful as this? It moves me. It speaks to where I am at... My work in the last few months at Vanguard may be finished by other hands. This hurts. It pains me so much to think about it, that I have spent almost four weeks now forcing away the thoughts when they come. In the last week though, I have tried to sink into this pain, to talk about it, to pray it. I have been straining to hear something in response, something to comfort me, to give me hope and encouragement. And this gorgeous passage says all I have been trying to hear... It is my task to work at the fulfillment of God's purposes; it is not my job to work them out. He never promised me forever. He put me here for a short season, to bless me, to grow me, to change me. And it worked. I am changed. I am changed because of a few short months I spent being deliriously happy in my career... I just hope it does not end here.

That word... Anonymous... That is one of my worst fears right now. I am afraid that I will leave this place and become a ghost, a bitter shell of the person I once was, with unfinished business that I cannot bear to leave behind... Tomorrow I will be fine. Tomorrow I will be fresh with the glow of a woman who follows the Lord and supports her husband. But tonight... Tonight, I am afraid. I am afraid I am losing a piece of myself when I leave.

That is what the Lord has called me to though, right? I can only find Him by dying to myself. He didn't say it would be easy. He didn't say that it wouldn't be frightening. He didn't say it wouldn't hurt... But He did say that He'd be with me.

Haircut

I really enjoy getting my hair cut. It is the only form of change that I feel I can adjust to easily. I also really enjoy someone else putting the effort into flat-ironing my incredibly thick head of hair. I love getting my hair washed by a professional too. I can just lie back, rejoice in a scalp massage, and let the smooth water wash over my head... Pure joy.

However, there are a few negative aspects to getting a haircut...

1) The backhanded quasi-compliment. This is what it sounds like: "Oh, you got your hair cut!" ... And that's it! No "it looks good" or "I like it," just a bland and lame recognition that you changed your hair. This causes me to judge everyone else's response. They probably don't really like it. Susie didn't say anything, so this person is probably just being nice.

2) Either the inability to recapture what the stylist did to make your hair look great OR having to go home and restyle your hair because you hate how they finished it. Both of these have happened to me before. The former has happened more than the latter, but mostly because I am super low-maintenance and don't have much skill in hair-styling.

3) The itching. I usually leave the hair salon itching all over - due to the microscopic hair clippings that have fallen onto my neck. For some reason, the stylist thought that loosly clipping the smock around my neck was sufficient enough to protect hair clippings from falling through the cracks. Not the case. During my last haircut, I actually uttered the phrase, "Uhh, I think these hair clippings have grown legs and started to migrate down my shirt." On the way home, I was tempted to pull over into a gas station just so I could stand shirtless underneath a hand dryer in the bathroom.

4) The sinks. While I love the scalp massage and water cascading parts of getting my hair washed at the salon, I hate the sinks they wash your hair in. I think they could be used for some form of torture. These sinks seriously need some severe padding in the spot your neck goes. By the end of the wash, I cannot wait to get up! The day after receiving a haircut (including wash), it feels like I have a bruise at the base of my skull.

But the end result makes it all worth it. Hopefully, after enduring the neck pain and the itching, you get to go home with a fabulous new haircut that you can recreate easily on your own and that you receive nothing but positive and believeable compliments for. I don't know about you, but I'd pay good money for that.