Goodbye

I have a final dinner with my RA's tonight. I don't know how to say goodbye. I have a stack of note cards on my cluttered coffee table, waiting to be written on, waiting to be filled with words of wisdom and advice and thanks. They sit there, as they have for the entire week, staring at me. No one is making me write them. I decided to write them. I wanted to leave each RA something. But I am having trouble. I don't know how to say goodbye.

Yesterday, a friend and counselor told me to just simply say that. To tell them that I don't know how to say goodbye and let them help me do it. He also said that maybe I should say thank you, let it hang there in the air, and let that be enough. This hardly seems enough. I am a woman of words. Oftentimes, I use too many words to tell stories, answer questions, explain things - just ask my husband. I do this because I often worry about being clear and being understood.

Is thank you enough? Is there another way, a better way to communicate my feelings about them, about what this semester has meant to me? I don't know.

The note cards are mocking me now. It's time to shut them up.

Next post, I'll talk to you about saying goodbye to my family. That should be a doosie.

Play On

Look At Me

Unapologize

What Can I Say

These are songs off Carrie Underwood's new album Play On. Have you heard them?

Whenever I hear these songs (which is usually everyday on my way to work) it makes me want to write a story about them. I seriously think about it everytime I hear them. But I am having trouble coming up with a plot or even the personalities of the main characters. Anne Lamott, in her Bird by Bird voice, would tell me to discover the personalities of my main characters. I don't know how to do this, but I think I want to try. Maybe.

I don't know.

I lack courage.

Even if it will only be for my eyes.

Hard Time

This Thanksgiving weekend, while in the midst of thanking the Lord for all the blessings I have in my life, I realized something... It's almost December. Tomorrow is December 1st. I'm leaving in two weeks. And... I am devastated.

I'm having a hard time. Still. I'm still having a hard time...

I'm having a hard time leaving my family... The realization that I only have two weeks left with my nephew makes my chest tighten and my throat close up, and I fight the urge to curl up in the fetal position in the corner. I have gotten to watch him grow up before my eyes for 1 year and 3 months, and he is incredible... And I have to leave my sister, my best friend. While it is comforting that she is road-tripping out to Texas with me and that I will see her for New Years, I have no idea what happens after that. This hurts so much that it's hard to talk about. It's hard to accurately convey this sorrow. It's hard to breathe.

I'm having a hard time leaving my job at Vanguard... For one, Vanguard means so many things to me personally, that getting to come back and actually work there was a dream and a privilege. I felt like I got to give back, in a way, to the institution that poured so much into me. Secondly, I don't kow how to leave a job that has filled my heart and soothed my soul so completely. I will desperately miss my RA's, whom I've gotten to share these last few months with, who've shared their lives with me, trusted me with their stories, and given me the authority to speak into their lives. I'm having a hard time not getting to see them through to the end of the school year, not getting to see how they all end up, not getting to walk with them any farther.

But mostly, and ultimately, I'm having a hard time being apart from Chris... My husband. My partner. My favorite. The love of my life... I don't want to do this anymore - I don't want to live in separate states anymore. I got to have him back home for nine whole days over the holiday. And I did not even realize how much I missed him. I put him on a plane back to Texas this afternoon, and it really sucked... He makes everything worth it. I got to share this with a few people this weekend, and I was honored to be able to do so. I am giving up my entire life in California, but he is worth it. I support him. I love him. I serve him. I honor him. And I believe that this honors God.

And I know that when I get to Texas and am having a hard time with the things I left behind, Chris will be there for me, loving me, serving me, comforting me. And, hopefully, it won't be as hard anymore.